Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
