No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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