Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
