I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
