she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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