Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
