What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
