you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
