My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
We left the knife in your bed.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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