i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
