I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Welp...herpes.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
