Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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