I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
