I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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