Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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