were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
