he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
