If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You made out with two different species that night
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
