We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
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His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
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I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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