Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
