Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
