I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
