I think my vagina is haunted
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
