I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
