Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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