im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Dicks are not precious.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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