I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
