I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
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The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
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Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
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