She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
