I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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