you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
