I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
zippers are such a cool invention
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
COCAINE IS GR8
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
