I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
