does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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