I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
