just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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