We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
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you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
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I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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