after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
