Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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