so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
