it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
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I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
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Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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