you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
3pm strippers are depressing
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
