I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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