the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
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My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
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He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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