well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
