I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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