I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
