I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
