Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
