my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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