First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
