Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Randomize
