Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Randomize
