thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
