A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
