i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
