I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
