I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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