Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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