I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I need help removing her.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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