I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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